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<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" height=82 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="0408dfe1esnpes.jpg"> <div> <FONT SIZE="5" COLOR="#000000" FACE="Arial" ><B>Warp Experience</B></FONT><B>     |     </B><A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Warp Experience"><U><B>home</B></U></A><B>     </B><A HREF="id81.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Articles"><U><B>Articles</B></U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id85.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter One"><U>Chapter One</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id87.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter Two"><U>Chapter Two</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id91.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter Three"><U>Chapter Three</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id93.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter 4"><U>Chapter 4</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id94.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter 5"><U>Chapter 5</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id95.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter Six"><U>Chapter Six</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id96.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter 7"><U>Chapter 7</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id97.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter 8"><U>Chapter 8</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id98.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Chapter 9"><U>Chapter 9</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id99.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="10"><U>10</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id100.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="11"><U>11</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id101.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="12"><U>12</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id102.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="13"><U>13</U></A>   |   <A HREF="id103.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="14"><U>14</U></A>   |   <B>15</B>   |   <A HREF="id105.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="16"><U>16</U></A></div> <div> </div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=398 BGCOLOR="#CCCC99" TEXT="#080000" bgproperties="fixed" background="0408dfc3.jpg"> <bR> <div>                                                   CHAPTER FIFTEEN</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Why was Keller so  blind, Simon?"</div> <bR> <div> Simon loved Dawn's Glasgow-coloured intonation. She seemed </div> <bR> <div> so...?...adorable...so relaxed sitting on the stool with her back to her drawing </div> <bR> <div> board. Whole. That's what Dawn is. No attempt to push a point. To push a </div> <bR> <div> fragment. Like Sarah Jenkins, Dawn is a real soul. </div> <bR> <div> Simon shook his head...and pulled himself back...from the far past!. </div> <bR> <div> "Yes...about Keller. He was enthralled by Gina's courage. She wasn't afraid to die. </div> <bR> <div> He was. But although she wasn't afraid of death...she was terrified of love...but </div> <bR> <div> Keller refused to see this. She'd been pulverised when Jason left her. That was </div> <bR> <div> six years before Keller arrived.  Up to the time of the split-up with Jason, she'd </div> <bR> <div> been an interior designer. After the fall...she got into opium...cocaine...pure </div> <bR> <div> morphine...and then alcohol. To maintain her new glitzy life-style...she </div> <bR> <div> became a high flying whore."  Simon sipped his herb tea and shook his head.</div> <bR> <div> "Don't stop. I'm really listening." </div> <bR> <bR> <div> "Of course it wasn't long before Keller became a hopeless degenerate junkie. </div> <bR> <div> Then once it became obvious to Gina that Keller had become completely </div> <bR> <div> dependent on her...she threw him out!...but he kept coming back...until the final </div> <bR> <div> terrible ROW. At this point, Riley very subtly shifts the point of view...so we find </div> <bR> <div> ourselves on Gina's side. I actually felt insane occupying her position...but I was </div> <bR> <div> caught and had to read on. She tells him that just before the point when they </div> <bR> <div> met...she'd made a decision...to kick her horrible way of life. So she'd thought </div> <bR> <div> on meeting him, Keller was her way out. So she tells him that she hadn't been </div> <bR> <div> looking for a partner...but to be <I>saved</I>.  The truth is, she tells him, she's on a solo </div> <bR> <div> trip!  He's shocked and says he had no idea that that was where she was coming </div> <bR> <div> from.  He tells her that he thought that she gloried in her way of life...an </div> <bR> <div> atmosphere he'd been looking for...for he'd been looking for a rebellious amoral </div> <bR> <div> woman who detested the status game...who in fact relished being on the </div> <bR> <div> bottom...and who would be glad to cushion his fall. </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Someone who could show him how to survive in the real animal world and have a </div> <bR> <div> brilliant time there on the social bottom. Riley lets us see that Keller doesn't have </div> <bR> <div> the guts to live out his own desires. She had no intention of being his mummy. </div> <bR> <div> She was intent on going up...as he goes down...really down...dragged down by a </div> <bR> <div> heavier addiction to morphine than Gina...and what prevents him snapping out of </div> <bR> <div> it...is his addiction to his fantasy of her pornographic slut-power. Time and time </div> <bR> <div> again he tries to trigger her back...to distract himself from his crippling </div> <bR> <div> isolation...but every time he fails...because Gina's suffering is not born from </div> <bR> <div> feeling isolated...but from the awakening of her conscience. She is now </div> <bR> <div> completely convinced that loveless sex has poisoned her soul. It is obvious to </div> <bR> <div> Gina that Keller had never experienced a shared moment of love. The word </div> <bR> <div> love had no meaning for him. He pleads that he's under her power...precisely </div> <bR> <div> because she never demanded love from him.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> He tells her that he was hooked the first night they were together when she told </div> <bR> <div> him `you don't have to pretend to love me in order to fuck me!'  He breaks down </div> <bR> <div> and confesses that when a young boy he felt undermined by his mother always </div> <bR> <div> asking if he loved her?  He grew up fearing anyone demanding `love' from him. </div> <bR> <div> The concept of love haunted his emptiness...and created a dread of life.  </div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> From early age he said he'd developed a theory that those who demanded </div> <bR> <div> love...were soul-suckers. Vampires. He pleads that when he met her she </div> <bR> <div> encouraged him by telling him that the `love business' was an emotional racket. </div> <bR> <div> `Look whatever I said then is not where I'm living from now!' she screamed at him. </div> <bR> <div> ` You think I enjoyed being a whore?  I hated every minute of it. I did all of it </div> <bR> <div> because I was numb...because I was terrified of feeling the pain of losing Jason.  </div> <bR> <div> And now you think I'm going to support your cowardice!  You're completely fake </div> <bR> <div> through and through.'  A fight breaks out. He overpowers her and tries to seduce </div> <bR> <div> her. She pretends to agree and suggests they shoot up some morphine before </div> <bR> <div> making it. He's incredibly relieved that she's come round. Lying naked on the bed </div> <bR> <div> he waits for her to fix him. She tells him to lie on his tummy and she fixes him in </div> <bR> <div> his bum. Within no time he croaks...overdosed."</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Dawn shook her head and made a scowl "What a grim tale."</div> <bR> <div> "Yes...but that's only one interpretation. Riley advises us to move back to page </div> <bR> <div> seven. This is the point where the tale splits in two. On the right side of the open </div> <bR> <div> book...when Keller sees Gina naked...and asks the question `would you have to </div> <bR> <div> change your life to survive?' she replies `absolutely'. </div> <bR> <div> So there's two versions of the story. The left side pages tells one story, the right a </div> <bR> <div> completely different version. `What would you have to change?' Keller asks. </div> <bR> <div> `Everything...my personality. Look at me. I've been a junkie and a whore for the </div> <bR> <div> last six years. And why? Because all my life I've been obsessed by power. Even </div> <bR> <div> when I was a kid I was pulling married men and reducing them to slaves. </div> <bR> <div> When you rang the bell I was masturbating in the bath.  Masturbating rather than </div> <bR> <div> fixing. I haven't smacked up for 48 hours...not because I haven't got any gear...but </div> <bR> <div> because I'm sick of it!  Sick of whoring...sick of being a sadist...sick of all the </div> <bR> <div> creeps I hang out with...sick of my sick Self! I've been floating in that bath for 48 </div> <bR> <div> hours...doing a cold turkey. It's wiped me out. I need a whisky.' He stays with </div> <bR> <div> her...and they actually help each other. He confesses his fear of surrendering to </div> <bR> <div> love...and his perverted attraction to women who are into power rather than love. </div> <bR> <div> Suddenly they both realise that the moment had come..."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Dawn looked suddenly pale as she waved her hand...as if from a distant hill. </div> <bR> <div> "Please don't relate any more. I'll read it sometime".</div> <bR> <div> "I'm sorry, I got carried away."</div> <bR> <div> "You seem to have a very good memory...unless you're filling in gaps?" She gave </div> <bR> <div> Simon a funny look.</div> <bR> <div> "I suppose you could say that I've studied Riley's writings very closely.  I think </div> <bR> <div> you'll find  that was a pretty accurate account. Of course he packs so much </div> <bR> <div> more between the lines...for the soul to see."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "How about this question of love Simon?  Did Riley discover love in his life?" </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Simon--barefooted--walked slowly to the kitchen area and deposited his empty </div> <bR> <div> mug. "The answer is `I don't know`. Have <I>you</I> experienced love?" </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Dawn--sitting on a big orange coloured bean bag--looking straight at Simon said, </div> <bR> <div> "If love is the essence of reality...then yes, I've experienced a wee morsel of it. </div> <bR> <div> Recently I've been hovering round the idea that the essence of real friendship is </div> <bR> <div> absolute honesty. I think love is the power which flows between people who are </div> <bR> <div> really honest with each other. It seems to be a space in which there is no fear. No </div> <bR> <div> fear of being spontaneous. What I'm sure of...is love is not something I can own. </div> <bR> <div> It's the life of a true <I>we</I> . Do you have that sort of a relationship with anyone?"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Simon, feeling quite staggered by Dawn's reply...thought for a long time before </div> <bR> <div> saying, "I don't know. Maybe with Cesar."</div> <bR> <div> "He seems very intense...quite honestly he frightens me...a little." She looked as </div> <bR> <div> if she was ashamed of this admission. </div> <bR> <div> "There's been times when I've found Cesar impossible...but then one day I </div> <bR> <div> discovered the problem was my viewpoint. Since then he's helped me </div> <bR> <div> enormously."</div> <bR> <div> "How important is information to you?"</div> <bR> <div> "I don't know."</div> <bR> <div> "I mean...do you want to know about my past...in relationship to my desire to work </div> <bR> <div> for the Institute?"</div> <bR> <div> "What do you think about respectable people...who `think' they live good lives?"</div> <bR> <div> "God! Is that <I>me</I>?"</div> <bR> <div> "Is it?" asked Simon feeling he was at last seeing Dawn from a real unhypnotised </div> <bR> <div> position.</div> <bR> <div> "What are we talking about...my past...or how I am right now?"</div> <bR> <div> "Well," said Simon...walking over to the sink to fill the electric kettle, "from what </div> <bR> <div> place do you `understand' yourself now?"</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Dawn looked down onto the abandoned tennis courts surrounded by elderberry </div> <bR> <div> bushes, convulvolis, old prams and a completely trashed midnight blue transit </div> <bR> <div> van. "I see. The past is forms without life. And we're conditioned to keep pouring </div> <bR> <div> life into what can't live!  No, I'm not into suffocating inside of dead respectability. </div> <bR> <div> Don't you think that the only way to not feed deadness is to be here now?"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "Yes, but there's a difference between the idea of` being here now' and actually </div> <bR> <div> being here now. If I'm really being here now I am not performing. That's the point. </div> <bR> <div> So, is it possible to educate kids...to NOT PERFORM...for any reward...however </div> <bR> <div> subtle?"</div> <bR> <div> Dawn turned from the window and started to walk around the room. "You obviously </div> <bR> <div> believe it's possible."</div> <bR> <div> "Okay...are there TEACHERS around to do this work?  No! So they have </div> <bR> <div> to be created. That's the nub of the problem!"</div> <bR> <div> "You mean they would have to have a real overview on this society?  To be not </div> <bR> <div> caught up in it?"</div> <bR> <div> "Cesar and I are on the lookout for really honest, hard working intelligent souls. </div> <bR> <div> This is where  we have to begin."</div> <bR> <div> "Well are we being honest...right now...I mean...with each other. I mean there </div> <bR> <div> seems to be a dilemma. Like we're..."</div> <bR> <div> "Stranded...without a script," muttered Simon whilst selecting a herb teabag. He </div> <bR> <div> gestured whether Dawn wanted a drink. She nodded and added "wild Cherry.</div> <bR> <div> But if you and Cesar intend to educate teachers...you've already got the </div> <bR> <div> beginning of a script. I don't see how we can achieve anything with our lives </div> <bR> <div> without a plan of action."</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "Okay, see it this way. Not as a doing...but an undoing. A stripping off of our rags </div> <bR> <div> of insanity. Cesar was stripped by his master...and he keeps stripping me."</div> <bR> <div> "And are you going to strip me"? </div> <bR> <div> Simon took a deep breath and stared...out the window. The kettle was boiling. </div> <bR> <div> Without turning around to face Dawn...he switched it off. He turned away from his </div> <bR> <div> insane, frustrated mind and said...very quietly, " I believe that you and I have been </div> <bR> <div> given a golden opportunity to break the spell of the rapacious machine. Please </div> <bR> <div> don't..." </div> <bR> <div> "I'm sorry," she whispered sunk deep in the bean cushion. "It is a machine...you're </div> <bR> <div> right!." Simon turned to face Dawn...leaning his back against the kitchen counter. </div> <bR> <div> "I'm sorry Simon. I've been trained to lie...from the beginning. "</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "We all believe that we've got to lie to survive. It's a constant subliminal </div> <bR> <div> command...transmitted by almost every human gesture one encounters."</div> <bR> <div> "I'm sorry. Shall I pour the tea?"</div> <bR> <div> "No I'll do it."</div> <bR> <div> "What's the machine telling you to do?"</div> <bR> <div> "Why do you want to know?"</div> <bR> <div> "I want to know if it operates in you in the same way as it operates in me." </div> <bR> <div> Walking across the room holding Dawn's cup of  wild cherry tea, Simon said very </div> <bR> <div> precisely, " of course it operates the same way. It says `touch her...and you won't </div> <bR> <div> feel caught any more. She'll understand. What's the point in avoiding what's </div> <bR> <div> obvious? Close the gap...and sit down beside her'. That's what it's saying."  </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Simon handed Dawn the tea and returned to the counter...and gazed at Dawn.  He </div> <bR> <div> had surprised himself. There was not a trace of a hook in his delivery. He had </div> <bR> <div> actually been honest...yet as he took in Dawn's emanations...he was suddenly </div> <bR> <div> vividly reminded of the Golden Goddess who had deified his eternal moment in </div> <bR> <div> Edinburgh. His breathing became markedly deeper. She was here...now. He </div> <bR> <div> could smell her distinctive fragrance.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "My machine says, `this man is very attracted to you. He wants to be intimate with </div> <bR> <div> you...but he's frightened of giving himself to a woman. Afraid of getting caught. </div> <bR> <div> Afraid he'll betray himself. Help him to feel relaxed. Show him he has nothing to </div> <bR> <div> lose. He hasn't got a wife...so there's no reason to feel guilt. Instead of waiting for </div> <bR> <div> him to break free of his fear...invite him to come  close to you. Let him know that </div> <bR> <div> you're available. That you like him.'... How's that?"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Still magnetised by his memory of the Edinburgh event, Simon whispered, "the </div> <bR> <div> machine's going to go crazy if we don't do what it suggests. We're not supposed </div> <bR> <div> to reveal to each other it's strategies."</div> <bR> <div> "I feel scared Simon. Scared to break free of the machine's hypnotic hold. God, </div> <bR> <div> it's so clever. It's rhymed `hold' with `bold'. `Be BOLD', it says. `He's yearning to </div> <bR> <div> see you naked!" She stood up and tugged off her black cardigan.</div> <bR> <div> "Don't obey, Dawn!" This time Simon didn't whisper. "Please!"</div> <bR> <div> "That's what the voice is saying...`don't obey his fear. Play. What's wrong with </div> <bR> <div> playing?  Why suppress what's natural? You weren't born with clothes on. You've </div> <bR> <div> got a lovely body. Why hide it from this man who will get so much pleasure </div> <bR> <div> watching you very slowly undress. Take responsibility...turn him on. Exhibit your </div> <bR> <div> erotic abilities. Don't be ashamed of your needs. Yes you need to be touched. </div> <bR> <div> Wanted. Caressed. Loved.'.........Well?"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "Pretty conventional stuff. The machine just wants us to acknowledge it's the </div> <bR> <div> dominating force in our lives. In fact it's maintaining that it gives us life. It's a lie </div> <bR> <div> and I'm not going to succumb...even if this means that you're going to feel </div> <bR> <div> rejected and hurt...and then get angry and send me negative vibes."  Simon </div> <bR> <div> shook his head and sipped his lemon balm tea. Whilst the mad machine </div> <bR> <div> searched to get him hooked he drank in the power of the real Goddess.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "I don't want to send you negative vibes Simon. Look I'm not actually undressing. </div> <bR> <div> I'm not obeying what it's saying...but I feel...stranded...now I can't perform!" She </div> <bR> <div> slumped back into the depths of the bean cushion...and looking forlorn sipped her </div> <bR> <div> wild cherry tea.</div> <bR> <div> "Look...it's all about breaking out of our self destructive habits...through creating a </div> <bR> <div> real overview. The machine operates on the assumption that you believe that its </div> <bR> <div> advice comes from a wise overview...but it's only your ego that believes that the </div> <bR> <div> machine can give you a superior overview. That's what every ego wants...so it can </div> <bR> <div> control other egos. But all the machine can supply is different <I>angles</I>...which </div> <bR> <div> other egos have used...in the past. A real overview is born of the decision to not </div> <bR> <div> deceive your Self."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "I know what you're saying Simon...but it's so scary...it's like we're all plugged into </div> <bR> <div> one vast de-humanising process...and the first time I realised that I almost came </div> <bR> <div> completely unglued. A year or so ago I was waiting for the underground at </div> <bR> <div> Leicester Square. The platforms were very crowded. I felt </div> <bR> <div> oppressed...angry...with my crummy life...when suddenly I SAW that all the grey </div> <bR> <div> looking creatures were all plugged in to the same broadcast! Unconsciously...they </div> <bR> <div> all supported one another in their unacknowledged submission to the machine. I </div> <bR> <div> mean I could actually SEE them...giving each other knowing looks...gestures, etc, </div> <bR> <div> etc. It was horrifying. Suddenly, all at once...without choosing it I was out </div> <bR> <div> and...above it all. It was like I had become a spy. An out of the body spy. But who </div> <bR> <div> for? I wish I could say for Truth...or Love. I s'pose I'd become a spy for a </div> <bR> <div> possible overview. But what frightened me most was seeing how I was attached </div> <bR> <div> to that horrible conned-senses-mind...as Greg Riley called it. I didn't want to let it </div> <bR> <div> go...even though I could see it's reptilian nature. I could feel the fear of being free </div> <bR> <div> of fear. The fear of being...ALONE...in my overview. "</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "That's the script which keeps you enslaved. It's the fear of being a true individual. </div> <bR> <div> Actually the fear you felt...you were creating...to keep you within the space of the </div> <bR> <div> de-humanising broadcast. The subliminal broadcast is transmitted on the fear </div> <bR> <div> wavelength."</div> <bR> <div> "How do you manage to stay in your overview?"</div> <bR> <div> "Look don't imagine that I can't fuck up...because it's easy...but not very long ago I </div> <bR> <div> became much more reliable through keeping to an important decision." </div> <bR> <div> "What was that...to give up sex?"</div> <bR> <div> "No...I suddenly gave up smoking."</div> <bR> <div> "God, how did you do it? I kicked coke and smack...but I can't kick tobacco."</div> <bR> <div> "It just happened to me. It was like...it was just taken away from me."</div> <bR> <div> "How do you mean...just taken away from you?"</div> <bR> <div> "Well for years I'd been pretending to my Self that I was choosing to </div> <bR> <div> smoke...instead of admitting I was hooked!  My will was being sapped...and I was </div> <bR> <div> lying about it. So I was inwardly dying...and afraid to look...when one </div> <bR> <div> day...whilst rolling up a fag in the company of Annie and Cesar...an inner </div> <bR> <div> voice rang out very clear and said, `if you take one more puff of tobacco...ever </div> <bR> <div> again in your lifetime...you should confess to everyone that you're not a student of </div> <bR> <div> spiritual awareness...but a slave of habit!' My life STOPPED! The future looked </div> <bR> <div> unbearably bleak. Everyone I knew smoked. Cesar like a chimney...Annie a fair </div> <bR> <div> bit. So...looking...as it were towards the horizon...it seemed hopeless...but from a </div> <bR> <div> vertical position...I was being addressed from above...from my higher </div> <bR> <div> Self...and I saw this was the moment to grasp...and grow in. I said to Cesar and </div> <bR> <div> Annie, `if either of you ever sees me take as much as one puff of </div> <bR> <div> tobacco...denounce me as a phoney. Take no notice of anything I say or write. </div> <bR> <div> Treat me as a hypocrite.' They looked unsure of their ground...and made </div> <bR> <div> no comment. But at the end of that day...I had more energy than when I woke up </div> <bR> <div> that morning. Why? </div> <bR> <div> Because that decision point became a rock on which my new life was being built. </div> <bR> <div> My life was now growing upwards...drawn up by the overview...and that was the </div> <bR> <div> first real decision I ever made in my life."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "You're kidding. That can't be true." Dawn looked slightly cross as she got up and </div> <bR> <div> put her black cardigan back on.</div> <bR> <div> "I'm not lying...of course...up to that point...I'd thought I'd made a lot of decisions </div> <bR> <div> in my life...but actually they were not decisions...but manipulations...changes of </div> <bR> <div> appearances...strategic re-arrangements.  I'll explain. First, imagine that this flat is </div> <bR> <div> my mind...then, upto the moment of that real decision...all the previous so called </div> <bR> <div> decisions...were simply me occupying different positions...in the same space. " </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Simon walked around the flat to demonstrate the point he was trying to make. </div> <bR> <div> "Look you see...whether I'm here standing...or sitting on the loo...or making </div> <bR> <div> tea...I'm still in the same mind-space...but when I made that vow to never smoke </div> <bR> <div> again...I walked out of that `mind'...totally...and without me being in it...it </div> <bR> <div> collapsed."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "Are you telling me that you smoked for years...and now you have no urge at all?"</div> <bR> <div> "None! I know...it's a real miracle. I tell you...I don't even have the thought to </div> <bR> <div> smoke. The self that smoked...no longer exists...in me. That's the truth."</div> <bR> <div> "But you must have tremendous will power."</div> <bR> <div> "No it doesn't work like that...at least that's not my experience. At the point at </div> <bR> <div> which I made the decision...I had hardly any will power at all. It wasn't a question </div> <bR> <div> of will power but of staying within the space of the overview...and by doing </div> <bR> <div> that...energy started accumulating...around the decision...which has of course </div> <bR> <div> strengthened my will." Simon returned to the counter...and sat on it.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "I see what you mean. You don't have to have strong will power to start off with. It </div> <bR> <div> comes from keeping steady within the insight."</div> <bR> <div> Simon gave Dawn a warm smile, then looking directly into her eyes he said very </div> <bR> <div> quietly, "It's a wonderful feeling...being freed from pretence."</div> <bR> <div> "Well Mr Mathews, are you capable of touching me from your free position?" She </div> <bR> <div> hung her head...as if she was a dejected prisoner. Simon almost fell for that one. </div> <bR> <div> He actually jumped down from the counter...and was about to move towards the </div> <bR> <div> temptress...when he realised the trick. </div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Walking back towards the window he replied in a slightly mocking voice, "And <I>who</I> </div> <bR> <div> used you to ask that question Miss Sarah Jenkins?"</div> <bR> <div> "Sarah Jenkins! Why d'you call me that?"</div> <bR> <div> "I'm sorry. It was a joke."</div> <bR> <div> "Well I don't get it."</div> <bR> <div> "No...it was sort of a private joke. Sarah Jenkins was an important figure in Greg </div> <bR> <div> Riley's life. A bit of a distraction really. I'm sorry."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "I'm confused Simon. I've completely lost the thread...of what we're supposed to </div> <bR> <div> be doing." Dawn stood up...as if she'd suddenly discovered that she'd been </div> <bR> <div> sitting on a drawing pin!  Then she moved towards...stopped...then moved </div> <bR> <div> towards...stopped...then walked briskly to the bathroom...leaving Simon a sitting </div> <bR> <div> duck for the machine. `What you've done is driven her away. She hasn't gone to </div> <bR> <div> the loo for a pee...but to cry...or masturbate...or both.  You don't care about other </div> <bR> <div> people's needs...especially women's. Actually you hate Dawn...because you find </div> <bR> <div> her very attractive. </div> <bR> <div> So really you're glad she pulled away. You're stupid enough to think you're strong </div> <bR> <div> in the face of temptation!  You fail to grasp that a mature man could still be true to </div> <bR> <div> himself...could still give love...even in the face of unloving temptations. You don't </div> <bR> <div> have to be a prig...just because you can't handle your own sexuality.' </div> <bR> <div> Simon paced around until he suddenly took in the ornate writing desk. </div> <bR> <div> He couldn't understand how he hadn't seen it before. Could Dawn have not </div> <bR> <div> wanted him to see it?  </div> <bR> <div> That's another mad idea. But then...he was suddenly at sea...on reading the title of </div> <bR> <div> Dawn's typed manuscript. He wasn't just at  sea. He felt himself being pulled into </div> <bR> <div> a vortex of paranoia as he read  `The Dark side of Yesterday':-  an examination of </div> <bR> <div> the many covert forms of hypnotism employed by women in the field of sexual </div> <bR> <div> politics by Dawn Sangster Ph.D.</div> <bR> <div> He felt wrecked. Utterly wrecked. Trembling...he couldn't muster the courage to </div> <bR> <div> turn the page. He just stood trembling...reading the title page...over and over.</div> <bR> <div> "It's going to be published in the New Yorker next month. You look frightened."</div> <bR> <div> "I am...the machine's been getting at me."</div> <bR> <div> "Me too. I didn't need to go to the loo. I was trying to outwit the machine...which </div> <bR> <div> was telling me you were trying to make me feel randy. That you're trying to control </div> <bR> <div> me with your subtle use of power. It said `he's trying to seduce you with his tales </div> <bR> <div> of strength. Don't be afraid of him...really he's weak...and needs to be </div> <bR> <div> touched...just like you'. I thought I'd masturbate...and get it over with...then I </div> <bR> <div> saw that that was a machine suggestion...so I've returned...to find you reading my </div> <bR> <div> piece on female tactics!"</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Simon just stared feeling distraught as Dawn appeared. Finally he muttered, "I </div> <bR> <div> was only looking at the title page...I've only just noticed the writing desk."</div> <bR> <div> "It was my mother's." Dawn's voice faded into a long pause. "This is ridiculous </div> <bR> <div> Simon...I'm getting wound up. D'you want to read my article?"</div> <bR> <div> "Dawn...when was the last time...you had an orgasm?"</div> <bR> <div> "For God's sake Simon! What are you up to?"</div> <bR> <div> "I don't know...I didn't know I was going to say that. I'm sorry."</div> <bR> <div> "O don't say sorry for speaking your mind. Your mind! My mind! The machine </div> <bR> <div> mind! Who cares! I had a minor orgasm last night...and the night before...and the </div> <bR> <div> night before that. I have a wank every night before I fall asleep...if I'm on my own </div> <bR> <div> Mr Mathews...which of late I usually am.  I've been wanking on my own since I was </div> <bR> <div> ten...and I'm not in the least ashamed of giving myself pleasure. I'm a pleasure </div> <bR> <div> junkie. Who isn't?  I used to be a smack junkie...then a speedball junkie...and now </div> <bR> <div> being a disenchanted bi-sexual I'm a beached solo junkie...so do I get the job?"  </div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Dawn stood close up to Simon and stared into his eyes...her long fingered white </div> <bR> <div> hands pushed onto her shapely hips.</div> <bR> <div> "And who were you channelling then?" he asked very calmly...after a long pause. </div> <bR> <div> Dawn collapsed onto the crunchy cushion and started sobbing. In Simon's head, </div> <bR> <div> the machine said `give the poor girl a chance. She'll end up hating you if you're </div> <bR> <div> not more careful. She doesn't really understand all this Clever Dick crap about </div> <bR> <div> `the machine'.  She might have a philosophy degree and read a few of Riley's </div> <bR> <div> books...but she's essentially a woman, man! For God's sake show some </div> <bR> <div> warmth!'</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Still sobbing she spluttered, "thanks...for not getting ensnared."</div> <bR> <div> "Well...Miss Dawn Sangster...Ph.D.  It was you who said this is a golden </div> <bR> <div> opportunity to break through."</div> <bR> <div> "Christ...it's incredible the way we idiots so easily live on a surface mocked up by </div> <bR> <div> second-hand concepts. I mean...I might have said that...I did...but I had no idea </div> <bR> <div> what that would entail? Is that true? I don't know...I think I </div> <bR> <div> guessed...maybe...look...I see that it's not a question of what we do...or </div> <bR> <div> don't do...it's a question of where we're at when we decide...or if we do do it...it's a </div> <bR> <div> question of where we do it from! Christ...every time I end a sentence with a </div> <bR> <div> preposition...I hear my English mistress telling me off!"</div> <bR> <div> "For not conforming to the rules of the machine...which is not actually concerned </div> <bR> <div> about correct grammar...but the rules are used to undermine potential original </div> <bR> <div> expression. You've got to be second-hand to survive!  Language is being used to </div> <bR> <div> robot-eyes the mind. Our aim is to educate parents and children into the methods </div> <bR> <div> of the machine...that is...how to live free of its deadly embrace." </div> <bR> <bR> <div> Simon shrugged and sat down on a green soft cushion about ten feet from Dawn </div> <bR> <div> still sobbing in the pit of the bean bag. "Personally, I don't like the atmosphere </div> <bR> <div> evoked by the word `institution'.  It stinks of the old hierarchical push-it -down-</div> <bR> <div> your-throat trip. I think we only really learn what's important...when the so called </div> <bR> <div> `teacher' is also learning at the same time. Both teacher and pupil have to be </div> <bR> <div> open to each other's essence...for anything real to happen."</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "Simon...does that apply to us...now?"</div> <bR> <div> "Yes and no. We're both learner/teachers. Yes, you're right...the child/teacher </div> <bR> <div> situation should be the same...but the problem is...the beginning of the teaching </div> <bR> <div> requires learning how to create the necessary conditions...for learning. How can </div> <bR> <div> the atmosphere of intelligent trust be created...where real intimacy is allowed to </div> <bR> <div> flourish?"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Very long pause. Neither moving. Both uncomfortably aware of the machine </div> <bR> <div> `anxious' to give advice.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> Breaking the long awkward silence Dawn said, "the machine says...`real intimacy </div> <bR> <div> is too demanding...too intense for ordinary kids and teachers. There's not enough </div> <bR> <div> TIME for this approach."</div> <bR> <bR> <div> Relaxing, Simon reflected upon the greenness of Dawn's eyes...( he had </div> <bR> <div> previously thought they were blue)...and the light quiver of the delicate lashes as </div> <bR> <div> she spoke in her soft Glasgow accent. </div> <bR> <div> The machine suggested he inspect the foot-wide gap between her knees. </div> <bR> <div> Explore the shadows in which her pale thighs were hid. Refraining...he reflected </div> <bR> <div> upon her vulnerability...recalling the lines:-</div> <bR> <div> And slender she is</div> <bR> <div> Not breaking into brittle defences.</div> <bR> <div> She is not parched if not described.</div> <bR> <div> Her medium is stillness</div> <bR> <div> Reflecting the swirl</div> <bR> <div> In our chasms.</div> <bR> <div> "The education process Cesar and I have in mind...should release the soul from </div> <bR> <div> the idea that there is a scarcity of time. Release the soul from the `scared city of </div> <bR> <div> time'. And that releases one from calculating how much such an education costs?  </div> <bR> <div> Every circumstance will be dealt with...as we meet it. Yes...we'll make it up as we </div> <bR> <div> go along. All we need is the right circumstances for core to core transmission. </div> <bR> <div> The machine operates through mere personality exchange. Through our </div> <bR> <div> ignorance of who we really are.  We've been hypnotised to mediate our lives </div> <bR> <div> through a theory of meaning. </div> <bR> <div> Through a belief system which produces a false constructed `self' which you are </div> <bR> <div> encouraged to believe is your real Self!  So what is urgently required...is </div> <bR> <div> opportunities for young beings to create their own personalities.  Personalities </div> <bR> <div> which can channel their unformed essence. You see...a real creative personality </div> <bR> <div> enables one to develop one's basic essence...and bring it into LIFE!"</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "And what the machine does," said Dawn getting up and walking to the window,</div> <bR> <div> " is force us to wear off-the-peg personalities...which mis-represent our </div> <bR> <div> essence...and so choke it. Shall we go for a walk on Hampstead Heath?"</div> <bR> <div> Simon smiled. "Maybe later...when I've got some clothes to wear."</div> <bR> <div> "Fuck I'm so ASLEEP!  I've just been absent-mindedly admiring your brown hairy </div> <bR> <div> legs and your elegant arches...and completely overlooked the fact that you're </div> <bR> <div> wearing my bath towel. How can I be so thick?"  Dawn shook her head so hard her </div> <bR> <div> golden hair revealed the light playing with her gold and silver ear rings. Simon lay </div> <bR> <div> back and studied the cracks in the stained white ceiling. </div> <bR> <div> "Truthfully...do I have any chance Simon?"</div> <bR> <div> "None of us realises how deeply we are asleep. It's so hard to stay AWAKE! </div> <bR> <div> Why? Because the truly awakened state...leaves no trace of its perfume...to linger </div> <bR> <div> in the superficial personality. The killing machine has no access whatsoever to the </div> <bR> <div> taste of real LIFE. NONE!"  Simon sat up and met Dawn's perplexed stare. He </div> <bR> <div> began to worry that he was going too fast. She looked like she was going over the </div> <bR> <div> edge.</div> <bR> <bR> <div> "Simon...I'm afraid to admit that I AM A MACHINE. It's a terrible...frightening </div> <bR> <div> condition...to FACE up to!"......Then the dam broke...and the tears </div> <bR> <div> gushed...gushed...gushed.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <div> "If you want to taste freedom...you have to face reality...not your interpretation. It's </div> <bR> <div> the act of facing...which awakens."</div> <bR> <div> In between deep sobs she wobbled out the words..."Where do I look from?"</div> <bR> <div> "Honesty. Absolute honesty."</div> <bR> <div> Suddenly she was kneeling in front of Simon...holding his clammy hands...crying </div> <bR> <div> completely unself-consciously...her hot forehead on his towelled knees...his </div> <bR> <div> forehead now on her sweet smelling crown...and more tears...yes...real tears...his </div> <bR> <div> tears...moistening her dyed hair...which now smelt like sunbaked summer wheat </div> <bR> <div> after a shower. Then they were laughing...glimpsing each other's essence... </div> <bR> <div> sharing what is beyond words.</div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>